PALM BEACH, FL– A young woman has been taken in for questioning regarding the death of one man and the injuries of three others in connection with an accident that occurred today at Palm Beach International Raceway. Rosa Sophia, age 28, was sitting with her friend Richard K., who wishes his last name not be known, when she stood to cheer during a race. The editor wishes to note the cars involved were a 1971 Hemi Barracuda, and a souped-up 1998 Honda Civic, which was promptly consumed by the Barracuda upon finishing the race.
When Ms. Sophia stood and pumped a fist in the air, her hair, which had been secured by two bobby pins, two hair ties, and an entire can of FREEZE hair spray, somehow undid itself. Ms. Sophia’s friend was able to avoid the rogue hair by lunging to the side, while one of the bobby pins shot out at break-neck speed and became lodged in the brain of a local man, resulting in his death. The editor also wishes to note the man was a politician, and will not be missed.
Two others are in critical condition at St. Mary’s Hospital, but are expected to live once the surgeon removes six feet of hairs that somehow became lodged in the victims’ throats.
Richard K., who was given a blanket and an ice pack by paramedics on the scene, was shocked. “I just . . . I just can’t believe she would do this. She knows how dangerous her hair is. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s killed before.”
Ms. Sophia is currently detained, and her hair was not available for interview.