Last night I stayed up until ten writing my memoir. I can’t believe how easily it’s coming to me. I don’t know if it’s any good, but my main goal is to eventually polish it, hopefully get it published, and use it to help others who have had similar experiences. As I write, memories pour forth that I had completely forgotten about. It’s almost as if my inner child is writing the story, letting me know she hasn’t forgotten, and that she wants to let it go, to heal herself.
Every day, I wake up in much the same way. Six a.m. I rouse myself from dreams and get to work. Today I’m editing a novel about mobsters for one of my clients, the World’s Strongest Man. (Yes, I really do work for the World’s Strongest Man.) Editing is what I do every day, all day, unless I have to work at the library. Then I either go to the library first, and edit after I come home, or I edit first, and go to the library later. Either way, I work long hours.
But something feels different today. Every day is a new beginning, and I feel as if writing the memoir is exposing a part of myself I’d buried, squashed down, forced away in an attempt to forget. Over the years, I’ve shrugged off these memories, and retold them as “funny stories” that only result in raised eyebrows and questioning glances. “Oh, you had to be there,” I say, laughing lightly.
I told a friend one such funny story– a story that involved alcohol and vomit –and by the time I was finished telling the story, I was chuckling and he was staring at me as if I was crazy.
“That’s not a funny story,” he said.
Oh. So it isn’t. And to think, all this time I thought it was hilarious.
Facing these memories is also painful. I have moments where I want to curl up inside myself and sleep, or drift away completely, but instead I wrap my arms around myself, and forge on. I need to face these things to make my writing better. After all, isn’t that part of every goal I’ve ever made?
Everything I’ve ever done has in some way been for my writing. Every day is a new beginning, and I like this one best.
Time to go for a run.